I still felt bound in mind by fear to the "me"  I had come to be as a result of parental and church influence. and had no clear understanding of my "self" apart from those influences. 

so I began to explore other spiritual ideas, philosophies and teachings, not considered to be Christian.  

I did not do this so much to deny Christ, but more to understand myself fully apart from the religious influences of my childhood. 
The fear that accompanied this spiritual exploration aroused more  turmoil and anguish for me, and I finally reached out to a therapist.

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